A lifetime ago (i.e., last February), I was in Washington working with the White House Leadership Development Program. After my session, I had the chance to visit the Capitol to meet with Congressional leaders from both sides of the aisle—a longtime friend serving in the House and a Senator who enjoyed Insight so much that he invited me to lunch in the Senate Dining room (followed by a tour of the empty Senate chamber).
At 39 years old, it was my first visit to the Capitol. And as a patriot and U.S. history nerd, I was absolutely spellbound. On several occasions, I found myself fighting back tears—and not just because of the building’s beauty and history. Though our government is far from perfect (after all, it’s comprised of imperfect humans), I was inspired by the deep dedication and pride to serve I witnessed in those who worked there.
It is unthinkable that less than a year later, we would watch in horror as an armed mob attacked that very building. And as we learn more about their intentions, it’s chilling how much worse things could have been.
In discussing this event with family, friends, and clients, I felt a shared and overwhelming pain. We have already been through months of sickness, loss, fear, violence, hatred, and heartbreak—how much more pain can anyone possibly take?
There is, of course, no easy answer. But in the spirit of supporting this community, I want to share a few reflections on the role that pain plays in building strength (which, incidentally, is a topic I’m exploring in my new book).
Let’s start with why humans experience psychological pain in the first place. It’s hard-wired within us for one reason: it helped our ancestors learn, which helped them survive. This is likely why we spend more energy processing negative events than positive ones; why we react more intensely to bad things than good things; and why joy wears off faster than sorrow.
Put simply, pain opens new doors. Because it is so destabilizing, it provides unique growth opportunities—for people, organizations, and even societies—that wouldn’t have existed otherwise. Research shows that trauma can serve as a catalyst, making us smarter, better, and stronger than we were before.
So, pain is both an opportunity and a fact of life. It’s also necessary for living a good life. Philosophers and psychologists have argued that happiness does not, in fact, come from pursuing happiness. Instead, happiness stems from accepting the existence of life’s two polarities—sadness and joy; failure and success; good and evil—as well as understanding their profound interconnection.
After all, without pain, there cannot be joy. Without disconnection, there cannot be connection. Without evil, there cannot be good.
Despite the pain of the pandemic, it gave birth to a vaccine technology that could completely change the way we treat diseases, from HIV to cancer. Without the riots at the Capitol, we wouldn’t have witnessed the heroism displayed by so many Capitol Police officers and staffers.
But here’s perhaps the most remarkable example. In speaking of the plane crash that killed three family members when he was ten years old, Late Show host Stephen Colbert revealed that he has learned to “love the thing that I most wish had not happened.” When pressed to clarify this astonishing statement, he replied, “It would be ungrateful not to take everything with gratitude. It doesn’t mean you want it. [But] I can hold both of those ideas in my head.”
In other words, transcendence is forged by tragedy.
To be clear: Not a single word of this message should imply that I condone violence, disease, death, or any other destructive forces (nor am I saying we should idealize or oversimplify them). What I am saying is that those very forces advance and amplify our strength as people, and as a people.
This type of thinking shouldn’t be simplistic or easy, and it often requires a radical shift. But the benefits are profound.
What opportunities for transcendence exist in your pain? What are the most difficult experiences and emotions you have endured? How has their presence made you stronger, more grateful, more motivated, or more connected? What are you capable of now that you weren’t before? (Please reply and tell me!)
The truth is, I have no idea what will happen next, or when things will get easier. But I believe, with every fiber of my being, that the pain we are experiencing will not be for nothing. And maybe, just maybe, we might even look back on with gratitude.
Existential psychologist Paul Wong puts it perfectly: “The good life consists of accepting and transcending the dark side of human existence. The process of transcendence transforms the isolated self to a community and transforms evil, suffering and tragedy to the…experiences of grace, compassion, and serving the greater good.”
Dr. Tasha Eurich
is an organizational psychologist, speaker and The New York Times bestselling author of Bankable Leadership. Her latest book, Insight, delves deeper into the meta-skill of the modern world: self-awareness. Tasha’s life’s work is to help organizations succeed by improving the effectiveness of their leaders and teams. With a ten-year track record in the Fortune 500 world, her expertise has been featured in outlets like The New York Times, Huffington Post, Entrepreneur and Forbes.
